Tail-end Charlie’s Angels
by Charlie (a.k.a. David P)
This ride report was originally published in the July 2009 issue of the Motorcycle Tourers club magazine, ‘Chain Lube’.
Good morning Angels, Rear-End Charlie here.
This is the brief for your next assignment, which will be the most difficult and dangerous assignment you’ve been asked to complete, but I know you’re up for it. Your mission will be to collect intelligence and photographic evidence from the maximum security J-Ward Goal then the old Aradale Asylum in Ararat. Both have housed some of the most dangerous criminals in the country. So I’ll be assigning some extra agents to assist you on this mission. If you successfully complete this operation, you’re to meet back at the BP servo in Little River for a debriefing session where evidence along with this document will be handed over for publishing in Chain Lube. Oh, and one other thing. You’ll be going on motorbikes! Good Luck Angels – Let’s hope you can pull this one off!!!
Attached is top secret documentation detailing how best to execute this mission.
One of you will need to go to South Yarra. I think Matt will be best suited for this task. When you arrive, make contact with agents David W, Rolf, Michael W, “H” & Tim, Michael V and of course myself, but for security reasons I won’t be able to reveal my identity. There will be two other agents assigned for Saturday only, Glenn and Hosko. I’ve received word that a plot to take out David W shortly after departure is imminent. If this occurs Hosko will be deployed to assist and forfeit the ride. The rest of you must go on to Laverton where Angels Mofflehoff & Adz will be waiting along with agents John H, Justin, Phil and Ross. From there you will need to go the most inconspicuous route to Trentham via Bacchus Marsh and Blackwood. It might also pay to take as many turns as possible through Werribee just in case you’re being followed. Upon arriving at Trentham head straight to the Red Beard Café to meet with agent John M who has extensive knowledge of the area. Don’t be fooled by the mild weather conditions in Melbourne. Conditions in Trentham could be quite extreme and if so dispose of Glenn and use John’s vast experience to get you out of the inclement weather. From Trentham, head across to Daylesford and re-fuel before taking on Creswick, Talbot and Avoca.
Avoca will be your designated safe-haven for lunch and I’ve arranged for impenetrable security tape to be placed around the bikes while you prepare for the next leg of your journey. There will also be two under-cover agents, Gary & Michael traveling in the area driving a light colored vehicle. From Avoca head north-west to Navarre then Stawell entering Ararat from the west end where you should be able to access your accommodation undetected. Re-group with under-cover agents and make your way on foot to the Ararat Hotel. You can’t miss it. It’s a beautiful Art Deco building in the main street. Enter via the main bar and blend in with local folk not to arouse suspicion while you discuss tactics. Keep a close eye on any young gents approaching the bar that may be trying to conceal a loaded weapon, and if acting suspiciously take them into another room for further interrogation.
Dinner will be served a few doors down the street at Sicilians Restaurant & Bar. Go directly to table 3 which will already be set for 16 people. Ensure agent Rolf is seated at the end near the wall where he can pretend to be asleep while using a listening device to gather further information. Angels Matt & Adz will need to slip out undetected and rendezvous with the rest of the group out the front of “Discount Liquor”. If there’s a no-show Angel Mofflehoff will lead the remaining agents to J-Ward on foot and contact the missing Angels from there. 2 hours should be long enough to cover all areas of J-Ward. Be sure not to close any self-locking doors behind you and use the secret mirrors in the toilets to spot unwanted intruders. Identify and investigate any strange markings on the bluestone perimeter walls. Once enough information & evidence has been gathered, make a hasty retreat back to your accommodation.
Sunday morning you’ll be required to re-fuel your bikes and assemble with other agents at Vines Café in the main street for breakfast. After breakfast ride to the old Aradale Lunatic Asylum located 5klms out of town. Again, 2 hours should be long enough to cover most of the grounds. Ensure the main areas of the facility are covered including the nurse’s quarters, hospital, male & female psychiatric wards both open (unrestrained) and closed (restrained), and the forensics ward where the most violent & mentally disturbed were housed. Pay particular attention to the morgue where further evidence and “tools of trade” may be located and inspect the body vaults and autopsy examination table. Once this phase is complete, re-group and depart for Beaufort via the Western Highway.
At Beaufort split up and head off in different directions to avoid detection, and instruct agents John M & under-cover agents Gary & Michael to continue on and evade capture. Meanwhile, agents Ross, Michael V, Rolf & I will act as a decoy in the main street pretending to have ordered lunch and patiently waiting for food that will never really arrive. Then meet back at the bikes and go like hell using back roads to Bannockburn via Skipton & Rokewood. Do not stop or slow down under any circumstances. Be aware of potential bogus road blocks which may be used to slow traffic such as heavy farm equipment on low-loader semi-trailers. Just keep going until you reach Bannockburn and on arrival re-group at an unsuspecting public toilet block. I’ve cleverly devised the next section to avoid Geelong and the most obvious route, the Geelong By-pass. An ingenious system of multiple corner marking will ensure your steps will be almost impossible to retrace. Once on the Princes Freeway you’re home & hosed. All remaining agents will be required to attend the debrief session at Little River and exchange & hand over all relevant intelligence & photographic evidence gathered.
And finally, remember Angels, I won’t be far from you at any time. So if you get into any trouble just look behind you where I’ll be sending morse code signals using a friggin dolphin torch pointed skywards.
Arse-End Charlie.
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